


And if I Wielded It (but don't ever doubt-)

by Marta_Ayanami



Series: Of Gold, Green, White, Red, Sky, Blood, Purple, and Blue (Less than Infinite, more colours) [10]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Incredible Hulk (2008), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Loki POV utterly, Offscreen Torture, Other, and a choice that is as free as can be in the thing, and before he said that I was thinking drugs and torture, bonus: Vision gets christened years before Thor helps Vision get born, but I could not find the good metaphor for the thing, but Loki POV nevertheless sorry about that, but coz he put my sorta formless thought in WORDS, for any confusion blame Loki ;), like Hiddleston said, lots and lots of little Loki flashbacks, no drugs at all, not because he said it, so I actually somewhat agree with the actor that mafia may be good metaphor, so idek it may not be coherent to everyone next chapters, some tags are just for chapter 4, there is no drugs btw no worries, this is mafia only more fantasy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-25 06:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16656043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_Ayanami/pseuds/Marta_Ayanami
Summary: Loki would never set his foot in Asgard again. Never see Mother again. Never see Thor again.With the best of luck, he may someday see Fathet again. Seconds before Father would kill him.He'd like that. If he had time, he'd just ask him, when did he stop loving him.No. He wouldn't ask. The answer.... could be so much scarier. Scarier than all the ones that Ebony Maw made up. Scarier even then what the Thanos likely thought.They, Loki thought, had no imagination. The answer could be so much more horrifying, after all.In just one, two, three, four, five words, the answer could be Worse.He shuddered.





	1. No Sleep for the Wicked, Is It? Is It?!

_Dedicated to all the amazing Thors and Lokis I RPd with. I'm having a blast, guys, esriously. And loving i_ _t!  That's why so many almost-ficlets wrote themselves these days, no doubt. Heh heh. XD_

_Your fan,_

_Marta Kira Ciri R. Ayanami_

_P.S. I wonder where I could find a Gamora or a Nebula... :)_

 

*****(**^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^&^

 

 

Loki would never set his foot in Asgard again. Never see Mother again. Never see Thor again.

With the best of luck, he may someday see Fathet again. Seconds before Father would kill him.

He'd like that. If he had time, he'd just ask him, when did he stop loving him.

No. He wouldn't ask. The answer.... could be so much scarier. Scarier than all the ones that Ebony Maw made up. Scarier even then what the Thanos likely thought.

They, Loki thought, had no imagination. The answer could be so much more horrifying, after all.

In just one, two, three, four, five words, the answer could be Worse.

He shuddered.

*****

"I'm not sleeping tonight," Loki mutters to Gamora.

She only just came to visit. Which is nice. He likes that. She didn't even come to hurt him, just to visit.

Very kind of her, truly.

"Because of Maw?"

"Yes," he answered, speaking slowly like to a fool. "He has this weird sceptre, from  _him_ , I' bet my brother's life that it is from  _him,_ the brain inside  _smells, smells of him,_ I mislike it."

Gamora frowned.

"Brain?"

"Thought. Sentience. Vision. Mind. Vision? I know not. I hate them. They haven't touched me, but I loathe them. With that mind inside, anybody can see my dreams and freely, with popcorn if they want."

"Pop... corn?"

Gamora shook her head, looked at Loki as if he was crazy or otherwise mad, and left his - bedroom? Room? Chamber? Cell? 

He knew not. It was all that, and nothing. He was freely imprisoned, and everything ever was a lie.

In other words, it was his life, just without some fancy clothing and fake looking paintings, that looked as if they were covering a Thing underneath. Heh!

He was not coming  ** _Home._** That was just a fact of life. Like that water was liquid.

Never coming home.  _He_ said so. And so, if even it was a Lie, the Titan was infortunately still almighty enough to make true - for a millenium at least, mayhaps.

Well, too bad.

Or just as well. Nobody missed Loki and that, too, was just a fact.

No.

Mother.

Mom.

Mom may miss him someday.

_Someday._

Loki smiled softly, cast a spell on himself in order not to dream of Frigga in any capacity, and fell asleep for half an hour, almost calm enough to almost rest, almost almost almost almost, slightly.

He dreamt of Thor, on the Bifrost. Thor reaching for him. Screaming "no".

Wanting Loki to stay alive, for some stupidest reason.

That was... a very happy dream. Memory. Nice to keep.

And no sticks could change it, of course.

So there was nothing to worry about. Gamora was right, in the last two months, Loki grew a bit too paranoid.

When there was even one person, one brother, who did not want him dead, not quite.

Maybe the Universe wasn't the worst after all.

Thor didn't miss Loki, for sure, but in a few years..

 _I will perhaps miss him. That is... good. Love doesn't exist here. But I'm NOT_ here. That's the ticket.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

I never was.

Someday, I will go conquer some boring planet, and then they will let me go.

It's wonderful!

Because I'm not even here.

I never was.

 


	2. I Thought It My Last Moments, So My Thoughts Turned to My First Memory (First. While Falling. Falling. Falling.) / Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He let go of Gungnir and so, he was falling.
> 
> Falling.
> 
> Falling.
> 
> How utterly boring. How long till he finally dies? 'Shouldn't I die quickly? After all...I'm no god... only a frost giant,... isn't that right, father??? Mother... Thor..."

_he was now falling for 18 349 minutes 21 seconds._

_of course he counted what else was there to do but count_

_he was no longer breathing but his blood_

_well his magic was taking care of his bloodflow, his heartbeat_

_his brain and his spine well in good shape and of his lungs and bloodflow_

_his magic could take care_

_unfortunately_

_dammit_

_but he wasn't even mad_

_he WANTED to die while feeling the green light cursing through his veins, through his arteries, through his brain, his lungs, his everything, because why not because it felt almost like_

_mother's_

_mom's_

_Mor's touch_

_"Mor...!!"_

_\---------------------------------_

"Thor, stop it. Loki's asleep now. Don't wake him up."

"But _Moooooorrrr_ , he's always asleep! Always, always! Mama, just let me wake him, please, please, Moooooommmm!!"

"Thor, be a good boy now and let your little brother sleep."

_i'm no sleep. he too loud. geez._

"Mother, please!"

"Oh. He's already awake. I suppose it can't be helped."

"Mor, yesterday, when it was very hot, I saw Loklok turn blue for a second! Is he sick, Mommy? Is he? Is he? Is he?"

_i was blue? why? and geez, why not. i bet thor is blue sometimes!_

"Thor," Mor said, gently, "Please, don't tell your father. He would be upset for no reason at all."

"Alright, Mommy! Now, can I have Loklok? Please? Please? Please?"

"Only if you're gentle. Your little brother is still very little, and very fragile."

"It's okay, Mother! I'll hold him like he's made of glass, I can be gentle!"

Loki opened his eyes to see Mommy's expression.

She smiled gently before giving him to big brother Thor and then leaving.

Loki stopped pretending to be asleep. Completely. And why did Mor leave? He started crying.

"Shsh, Loklok!"

He still cried.

"Lokiiiiiiiiiiii!!!"

He stopped crying.

________

I stopped crying. Because Thor always got a bit anxious after saying 'lokiiiiiiiiii', and anxious Thor was accidentally careless and could get both of us accidentally hurt. So, I stopped crying. I remember---

I remember well, because this is my first memory--- Mor - Mama -Mother

and big brother - no, he's not my brother, he never was, except when he had been, in my eyes, in his eyes, forever---

Where does the lie end and the truth begins? The memory is true. So true. The truest in my life, ever. But if Mother is not Mother and Brother is not Brother, if I am less than a Changeling for there was never the true Mommy's younger baby as she had no, then, where does the Truth end? I won't ask the Thanos or the Sceptre he wields, for they only give more Lies. And I have Lies enough. I can build a Realm out of them , a big, large, huge one, if i were so inclined. But, back to truth---

))))))))))_____________________________________________________________________________(((((((((((((((((

"Lokiiiiiiiiiiii"

"Mrm? Thol?"

"Loki! You weren't sleeping, you liar!"

"Mrm."

"You silly little liar! Fine! Now, let's play! Let's play 'get warmer', coz you're too cold too hold right now, my hands are getting numb! Please, let's play 'get warmer!"

"Fine...."

Loki took a deep breath. And another. And another. He thought of the Sun in the sky. Then, he thought of Mom, who was like that. Mom, who probably had her hands numb, too, and that was all Loki's fault for being too cold.

He shut his eyes tightly. He forced his skin to grow warmer and warmer.

His breath was shallow for a bit. Being so warm, it hurt, it was so not comfortable, there was no reason--- he opened his eyes--

And saw his big, big brother, so sunny, like Mom, grin widely, happily.

"Loki, Loki, you're no longer like a fridge or something! You're just like a dead fish now, so, much warmer than before! Hah! Good playing! You're wonderful, Loki, good going!"

Being warm hurt a little.

But Thor's smile was a bit like Mom's, and took all that pain away, or changed it into something else.

Something.... _good._

_I can be warm. For them. It's okay.  
_

_It's okay._

_Because this is Magic I think, like Mor's, but it is also... like Mom's.... Love._

_Love means it's fine if you're aching. For Mom or for Thor. Just like they would for me._

_That's love._

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was never Thor's brother, was he?

But. He wanted to be! He wanted to be!!!

Mother's Son. Thor's Brother.

_Was I ever? Was it all a lie?_

_No._

_Love wasn't a lie. I love them. That's no lie._

_But Fath-- Odin never loved me. I only loved him. With no requition. I still do?_

_And Mother and Thor.. . it's the same, isn't it? My love was never requited. Had never been._

_________________

_Falling. Falling. Into the Void._

 

_\-----------------_

"Wake up. You slept too long, boy."

 _Thanos's_ voice. But Loki's unwilling to wake up, fully.

_And maybe if I don't wake up right now, Thanos will blissfully murder me._

"I might. I saw you dream, with my Sceptre. Who should I kill before I kill you, choose? Frigga or Thor?"

Loki's eyes instantly snapped open, all the sleepiness leaving him.

"Thor, please kill Thor, but not yet, not yet, I will kill him myself, and I'm awake now, please, Almighty Thanos, please, please, please, I beg of you--"

"I shan't kill you."

"And them?"

"I'd only kill them moments before killing you, Asgardian. And so, not today."

"Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you---"

_Thank you. Thank you._

_Now I really should strive harder to deserve the Titan's mercy. Because, otherwise... it's not for myself, I... I..._

______________________

_if my love was ever unrequited_

_it still does not make it_

_lesser_

_ever_

_and that is True_

_\--------------------------_

"Your mind is a labirynth today, Asgardian," Ebony Maw says, frowning. "I can't see a thing. What happened?"

" _Th-Thanos_ \--"

"Ah, that explains everything," Ebony Maw says, with satisfaction and pride and something that is not love, not the way Loki knows love, in his voice, no, it may just be --- admiration? For the Thanos.

"That explains absolutely everything about your mind today, Loki Odinson. Loki Laufeyson. Brother of Thor. That explains it," Maw adds. "You are in awe of the Almighty Thanos's power and in your admiration you cannot recollect your very own thoughts or existence."

"Exactly so," Loki replies, eagerly, so eagerly, because maybe the pain will be slightly lesser, "Exactly so. My admiration, my admiration knows no bounds."

Loki breathes in. Just in case he needs some air in advance.

No bounds. No bounds at all.

___________________

_"Hey, Loki? Does it tire you when we play this?"_

Yes. It hurts. It aches. It makes me think like I might die.

" _Does it?"_

_\-------------_

_he shook his head._

_Mom's hands ached when holding Loki, so cold, for too long, and she still smiled. Thor whined sometimes, but Thor was Thor, he often whined sometimes, but he sitll held Loki even if freezing._

_And why was Loki so freezing cold? Was it Loki's fault?_

_,,then i have to get warmer. for Them. for Them . for my Suns.""_

_and it wouldn't do to make them sad or upset or anxious, i think_

_"No, brother, it doesn't tire me at all."_

_Thor smiled, relieved._

_Love._

_Love._

_Love._

_Love with no bounds_

_he felt_

_"not at all," little Loki reassured._

_because love was more than the hurt_

_as it ever has and will be_

_because that was family_

_and that was_

_Truth._


End file.
